I wished to sing to a child, my child,
and make him enter the realm of blissful slumber, in my arms.
I wished to watch him as he sleeps,
to wait patiently for the moments of his smiles and frowns.
Oh what a joy would it be, to see a part of myself,
fall into a peaceful sleep listening to my melody?
It would bring a meaning to my life, I thought,
to my life, that revived another.
In the past few months that I have been carrying you,
Oh my beautiful baby, you have transformed me, body and soul.
My pain and discomfort evanesced with the very thought of your safety and growth.
I wondered if I could love another this way?
My heart replied, that you were a part of me, not another being.
That thought kept me going, as you flourished inside me.
I dreamt of being with you, holding your hand as you stand on your own feet.
In my reverie, I imagined how it would feel
as you would drift off to sleep after you suckle me.
I promised to never leave your side, to have my watchful eyes on you,
so that you would never stumble or fall.
To always be there by your side when you cry and to smile encouragingly as you succeed, was all that I wanted.
I sang to you, my love, as I carried you,
hoping that you would recognize my voice,
that no matter when, you would come to me for solace and support,
realizing that this voice belongs to someone, to whom you belong.
Where are you now, my little one?
Why have you chosen to fade away from my life?
A part of me is now gone, lost in a space where I cannot reach.
Why did you leave me my child, without a smile or a cry?
Would I have not nursed you or cared for you?
Would I have not loved you beyond anything or anyone else?
What were you afraid of?
Did you not recognize the love in my voice as I sang to you?
I would have done all that I could to protect you.
Why did you not trust me?
Did I not sacrifice many nights’ sleep for you?
Wasn’t your hunger mine?
Weren’t your wishes mine?
Then why did you lead me into this solitude?
You shattered my dreams, my child,
my dreams of watching you fall asleep in my arms
will never to come to pass.
All the melodies that I wanted to sing to you, are now burning lamentations.
I now sing into emptiness, can you still hear me?
Did you ever hear me?